Masquerade
by Becsy Lexi
Summary: B/A Dawn died instead of Buffy and she took the easy way out: she ran. Four years on she's still trying to forget the life she ran away from. *Finished*
1. A Life, of Sorts

Disclaimer: I don't own them, Joss and them lot do; too obviously, just look at the shows.  
  
Authors Notes: This was the first fic that I finished and I think I wrote it way back in March.  
  
Timeline: Four years from the beginning to middle of season six. Though events are partly different from 'The Gift' onwards.  
  
Summary: Dawn died instead of Buffy and she couldn't cope so she took the easy way out; she ran. Four years later she's still trying to forget the life she ran away from.  
  
Feedback? Oh yes please, I love feedback but, be gentle eh? This was the first fic I finished after all.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
"Ms Summers, could you come and check this please?" Alison asked nervously as she looked from me to the computer screen.  
  
"Are you sure you need me to check it?" I asked irritably. I was already late and this was not improving my mood. She nodded looking uncertainly at the computer. I walked back towards our departments' front desk and then behind it to see what she was talking about. I sighed, I was right she didn't need me to check it. "Alison, this is fine, in fact it's great, you don't need to ask me about every second thing." She looked embarrassed so I continued, "You can do this job very well, and you just need to believe in yourself a bit more. I know you've only been with us for a short time but I hired you because you not only had an excellent resume and people skills but you had these great computer skills as well." She smiled in appreciation.  
  
"Thanks Ms Summers, I promise to try not to bother you unless it's urgent or something."  
  
"Okay Alison, you have a good evening." I said as I made my way towards to elevator.  
  
"You too Ms Summers, see you tomorrow." She called after me. Alison was a sweet girl, not really much younger than me, but she was a little clueless and unconfident. I breathed a sign of relief as I got into the elevator and pushed the button for the ground floor, my feet were killing me, I didn't normally come into the admin departments offices but today was just one of those rare days and I needed to get out of here really badly. And I grimaced at the familiar thought. Of course this kind of thing was only to do with how I'd been working all day and I was exhausted, it wasn't the desperate urge to leave and never look back, the way I had left Sunnydale four years earlier.  
  
I still tried not to think about it, the people I hurt, the ones I left, I had just had to get out, get out before I died of misery. They were happy, I wasn't. I mean who would have been happy, if a hell god had killed their sister just months after losing their mother? I closed my eyes only to have the all too familiar nightmare images flash across my mind. How I'd reached the top of the tower only to find that Dawn was dying. I could have saved her, I could have saved my sister and I didn't. I knew she was going to jump into the portal and I'd realised my blood would stop it, my death. I would have died for her and I rushed forwards only to have to stop due to a shock that paralysed my body only to have my voice scream and shout what I'd tried to stop, Dawn dying. She jumped into the portal before I could stop her, before I could save her, save everyone, but she did instead, Dawn saved us and I screamed and screamed but it didn't bring her back. She shouldn't have died, it should have been me, and I would have. It was my gift, not killing everything but dying myself, dying to save everyone, to save Dawn, but I couldn't. The one thing I was meant to do and I hadn't. I was the slayer, I was meant to save everyone even if it meant sacrificing something, I thought of Angel as I thrust the sword into him and sent him to hell. I stifled a sob, and composed myself as best I could as three people entered the elevator, they didn't give me a second look, too eager to get home like me, I thought thankfully.  
  
  
  
Sometimes I couldn't get away from these thoughts and it was only when I was distracted, when I was with Ayanna and at my happiest or distracted at work, then I didn't have to think about how I'd failed and it was those times I could live my life and be happy. And most of the time it was okay, I could live normally, have the better, normal life I left for, it was just times like this when I was so tired that these thoughts came sweeping over me, that and the nightmares. There were some nightmares where Dawn would scream at me to save her and for not saving her. But then, my dreams never had been of the pleasant variety.  
  
  
  
I silently pleaded with the elevator to get a move on, but as we descended farther down, it stopped at every level, it got even fuller, more people who were going home to their normal lives, normal husbands, normal children. Something I knew I would never have if I stayed in Sunnydale. I felt like I was being suffocated, I couldn't breathe and the only thing I wanted to do was to get the hell away from that hell. My family, the family that mattered was dead. I thought bitterly about my father, he'd never been there, he didn't know me, he didn't know what I'd been through and he didn't care. Giles had cared, Giles. But he'd left several months after the battle, he didn't think I needed a watcher and he thought I blamed him for Dawn dying. I didn't, but he thought it because he had told me the only way was to kill her. He'd seen me pull back from everything and I guess he left because he thought I needed jolting back into reality, so I wouldn't run to him when there was trouble. He'd wanted me to be the old Buffy, or young Buffy, whichever, the dependable one, the one who lead everyone. I was hurt by his oblivion to the fact that I could never be that Buffy ever again. I couldn't go back, something inside of me died when Dawn jumped from that tower and nothing was the same. I couldn't be the leader and I couldn't stay in Sunnydale. It had felt like there was nothing to keep me there, I know I had my friends but they had each other and their families still and they had lives. When the portal was closed and we'd fought the demons that had been left in our reality it was done. The hellmouth had been sealed and except for the few remaining demons there was nothing left for me as the slayer. What was I if I couldn't be that? All my friends had jobs or college and I couldn't even be the slayer anymore.  
  
Nothing felt real; I tried to make myself feel anything but I couldn't. I even slept with Spike, a lot. When I think about it now I feel pretty sick but at the time I'd needed something and I'd tried to find it with him. When I finally shook myself out and stopped it I knew I couldn't stay any longer. All I needed was to get out, at least somewhere else I could still be the slayer in a more useful way than I could here and at the most I hoped I'd find my normal life waiting for me to slip into. I hardly even thought about Angel when I left, I knew he'd been seeing Cordy but I decided not to care. It wasn't worth the grief, sometimes that's all I felt he'd left me with, grief. He'd come when Dawn.but he couldn't do anything obviously, so I sent him away in a fit of grief stricken, love, hate rage. When I think about that last time I spoke to him I do feel guilty but he knew how I felt about him and he knew I was mad with grief, he'd told me.  
  
  
  
I'd written them letters. I left one for my friends, one for Giles and one for Angel. I'd tried to tell them how I was feeling but I don't think it came out right so I didn't tell them everything, they thought I left just because of Dawn and it wasn't just that, it was everything.  
  
  
  
And it had worked out pretty well, I was living and I was happy. I hadn't planned on ending up in Washington D.C. but I had and it was working out okay. I breathed a huge sigh of relief as the elevator opened its doors for the final stop and everyone filed out. Looking at my watch I cursed under my breath. I was late; I hoped Carol would understand, as I wasn't normally late. It was just these damn offices, I felt so much better at the sports centre, more at home.  
  
As I pulled up to my apartment building the rain was coming down in droves, I had to run into the building and I was still soaked but it felt good. I liked the rain, to an extent. I remember patrolling in the rain with Angel once but we didn't get much patrolling done. It had always felt freeing to get soaked in that beautiful kind of refreshing rain you sometimes get on hot summer days. Today it just made me shiver; it was cold for March.  
  
I knocked on the door of my neighbour, I could hear shouts and screams coming from inside and I smiled.  
  
"Hi Beth," she said, holding a sleeping three year old, "Come in, it's a mad house, just like every day!" She said laughing.  
  
"I'm so sorry I'm late, got caught up at work."  
  
"That's okay Beth you look exhausted, you want some tea?" I smiled gratefully at her as I sat on the couch; she was such a lifesaver. Suddenly two tiny beautiful arms reached up to me and I picked up my two and a half year old daughter Ayanna and sat her on my lap.  
  
"Hey baby, did you have fun?" She nodded as I looked into her cute round face. Carol said she already looked like me, she had golden hair and brown eyes and she was my angel. She handed me a picture. "Did you do this for me honey?" she nodded obviously tired. And by the time Carol came back with the tea she was asleep in my arms.  
  
"She's tired out isn't she?" Carol asked looking fondly at her.  
  
"Yeah I'd better not stay too long, how was it today?"  
  
"Madhouse, like I said, I swear those teacher training days should not be allowed it gets them more hyped up than on weekends." I smiled and let her talk about it. Carol was a part time nurse and her husband Bill was a haulage supervisor, which meant he was away for most of the week. But she was so great at looking after Aya for me when I couldn't get to pick her up from the crèche myself. They had three children, Andy who was 9, Nathan, 6 and Ellie who was three and who'd she had been holding when I arrived.  
  
"Is Ellie asleep too?" I asked careful not to wake Aya.  
  
"Yeah, she's tired out too, they love playing together." She said gesturing to my sleeping baby.  
  
"Yep, well thanks for taking her again, I'd better put her to bed."  
  
"No problem, you get some sleep too, you hear?" She looked at me firmly.  
  
"Yeah, I will I promise, you still up for the family shopping day on Saturday?"  
  
"Heck yes girl! I wouldn't even attempt it without you. Two mommies are better than one as far as shopping's concerned."  
  
"I know, thanks again." I said as we hugged goodbye.  
  
  
  
I laid Aya down in her bed and put on her twinkly night lights, she liked them and sometimes it meant if she did wake up she'd just go back to sleep again, they soothed her. Thank god I found them that time at the mall when she was a couple of months old, since then she's loved them. Carol had been a great friend to me. When I moved in next door to her we got to be friends right away and she'd been so supportive when I'd had Aya. She showed me all about how to look after her and I'm not sure what I'd have done without her if I had never met her when I moved to Washington. I spent a year in New York right after I'd left Sunnydale and I'd been a complete mess.  
  
  
  
I'd done exactly what I knew I shouldn't have been doing, drinking, clubbing, I cared about nothing and I working as a waitress again. It was easy to get lost in New York, that was partly why I went there first but I'd lost myself somewhere along the line and what I did in New York that first year was simply stupid. I'd been stupid and careless and almost too free. I stopped caring about anything, even myself. I went out with the wrong guys, none of them were good for me, they wanted to drink themselves to death or they wanted to control me or they just didn't care about anything, like I had got to be and I knew if I didn't get out I'd just spiral out of control. It was too much freedom, I had no control over myself there and it was nothing better than being in Sunnydale. The only thing that seemed to steady me was the slaying. There was evil in New York, enough to keep me occupied, to keep me sane, if I hadn't had that I would have died, I was killing myself and I knew it. I left three months pregnant, I had been stupid and careless and it was my fault but I swore it wouldn't ruin me; she saved me in a way. Her father didn't want to know so I left town hoping to find what I'd set out to get in the first place. A life, and I found it here, or I found part of it here. I had Ayanna and my job as a self-defence and martial arts instructor and assistant manager at the sports centre and I was happy.  
  
  
  
But even now I have these nagging feelings every now and again, and I know there's something missing. I miss my friends and Giles and my Mom and Dawn but it's Angel who haunts me. I told myself he didn't care, he was with someone else or even if he wasn't, he didn't care or wouldn't and I tried to tell myself I didn't care either but I was lying to myself and I knew it. It just seemed so much easier to deny I had any feelings for him and try to forget than sit around and mope when I had a life to lead and a beautiful daughter to love and take care of. So that's what I tried to do, forget, just as I had forgotten our day together until one drunken night in NY when I hit my head on a cupboard at Danny's place and had these weird vivid dreams about that day which I knew were real. Sometimes I let the walls down and the flood gates open and I think I'll never stop crying for what we never got to have and what we will never have, but then I stop and I carefully rebuild the walls and put back the façade that is Beth Summers, assistant manager, and who has nothing to do with a vampire named Angel or anything remotely weird. Since I had Aya I haven't slayed in a regular way but I've kept up the training as much as I can, it goes with my job which is good and as I once told Mom I only slay if they give me lip. Sometimes I'll sense an evilly presence and that's the only time I really go looking for it. I can't afford to now, with my baby to take care of.  
  
  
  
Oh, I wish I could forget about him. I have too many trust issues to date guys in any serious way. Half of them don't care but then there are those that do, those that know I won't let them in because I'm waiting for someone else. Riley knew and then he left as well, further heightening my resolve not to trust men, they only made me miserable. Of course, when I was in NY I didn't care so nothing mattered but now. As much as I try he still affects me. I haven't been out with anyone in ages. There is this cute neighbour we all have. He's called Richard and he lives down the hall and I know he likes me. He's liked me since I moved in and he's such a good guy, like Riley was only not so stupid or pathetic as he turned out to be. Richard is great with Ayanna and she loves her 'Uncle Richard' he cooks for me sometimes but I just can't seem to make myself care for him like he does for me. I think he's accepted it now and he's still a great friend.  
  
  
  
When I think about it though, my friends aren't really friends with me, but friends with 'Beth'. They know nothing about the real me, the one I'd tried to hide and maybe it's that I miss too. Maybe I do miss being Buffy, being with my friends the ones who know and love me for who I am and I miss being Angel's Buffy. As I try to sleep, I know that, sadly, there will always be a part of me who is Angel's forever. I just have to find a way of moving on from that. I'm still trying, maybe Richard is the answer, I do love him, I guess I could try and see him differently. I know he won't have any problems because unless he's met someone in the last week, I know he still loves me, he just hides it, badly. What would it hurt to try and be happy with him? You know the answer to that, you could, but he's not Angel. Well, maybe it's time I moved on?  
  
  
  
  
  
Coming soon! Part 2: An Otherwise Ordinary Day. Just as long as you tell me what you think!  
  
I know; I'm evil! -*naughty grin*- he he he 


	2. An Otherwise Ordinary Day

Thanks for the feedback guys. And on we go..  
  
  
  
2. An Otherwise Ordinary Day.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
On Saturday Carol and I and the children headed out for a day at the mall. She was grateful for the extra hand with her three and I was grateful for the company. I'd never liked shopping alone too much and since Carol was my closest friend, shopping with her was all the better.  
  
  
  
"Hey Carol, what do you think of this, isn't it gorgeous?" I asked her, holding up a pretty embroidered overall outfit for her to see. She was looking through some sale items I'd wanted to check out but this was irresistible.  
  
  
  
"That is so pretty!" She breathed, "Aya will look so lovely in it."  
  
  
  
"I'm going to get it," I told her walking and pushing Aya, over to the sale rack and looking over what was on it. "I'm so bad when it comes to buying her clothes, I just can't stop myself. Not like you." She smiled.  
  
  
  
"Well, you are a little nuts about clothes already, more than I am, plus I have to be restrained with buying for three of them." I saw her point.  
  
  
  
Both she and I bought several little things for our daughters in that store. "You want something to eat Beth?" She asked as we pushed our strollers through the precinct and tried to keep her boys to walk with us, not 20 metres in front. We wouldn't normally take the strollers since the girls are both a bit big for being pushed about but we know that mall shopping is one of those things where they would not be able to walk around with us all day. They'd just get too tired so out came the strollers.  
  
  
  
"Sure, I'm starving." I told her and we went to sit down at a café diner which wasn't far. When we'd ordered our meals and were attempting to get our daughters to eat theirs - the boys weren't anything near as bad, they munched hungrily on their hamburgers - Carol started going on about Richard again. She didn't do it very often but since I told her we were going out next week she was unstoppable.  
  
  
  
"So what are you going to wear?" She asked excitedly, that was until Ellie refused to eat anything but crisps.  
  
  
  
"I don't know what to do with her, Aya is so good." She said as she reluctantly opened some low fat crisps for her three year old.  
  
  
  
"Well, she isn't always good." I smiled at my baby who was happily chomping away on a sandwich. Carol got back to her point.  
  
  
  
"Well, what are you going to wear?"  
  
  
  
"Carol, it isn't a date date it's just two friends going out."  
  
  
  
"Yeah, right after he's been in love with you forever." I tried to ignore the word forever. Nothing would be forever without him but I continued telling her about my cute black dress I'd gotten a bit ago and where we were going. I swear she was more excited than me. Any way, we had a good talk and were about to get up when she whispered across to me, "Hmmmmmmmm, yum, if you weren't going out with Richard I'd say I'd found the most perfect gorgeous guy for you." She said looking behind me.  
  
  
  
"Really, and what does this perfect man look like?"  
  
  
  
"Tall, dark, handsome, gorgeous and has this weird mysterious look about him. He's definitely a hunny. Take a look yourself."  
  
  
  
"Yeah right, like he won't know we're staring at him, poor guy."  
  
  
  
"Oh he's not looking this way, he's ordering at the counter see?" I turned round ready with a smart remark to tell Carol about how he looked like a 'Class A' weirdo but I was suddenly unable to move. I watched him talk to the waitress; I could hear his voice and then cursed myself for not feeling it earlier, for feeling him here, because boy was I feeling it now. The feeling only Angel's presence gave me. I shivered involuntarily and shut my eyes for a brief second, hoping to find that when I opened them again that this would be a bad dream. It wasn't. He was really here, and I needed to go. This horrible panic had swept through me and my chest felt constricted. I turned quickly around when he came our direction and I saw he sat a table away from us, thankfully it was behind me.  
  
  
  
"Honey, what's the matter, you've gone really pale."  
  
  
  
"I'm fine."  
  
  
  
"Maybe you should have eaten more, you know I don't think you eat enough." She said accusatorily, looking at my slender figure.  
  
  
  
"I'm fine, just needed a drink." I drank the rest of my soda and felt the feeling come back to my face.  
  
  
  
"Okay, but isn't that guy hot?" I looked at her, my eyebrow raised. "What? Just because I'm married doesn't mean I can't admire on my friends behalf." She giggled. And I felt better. For some reason I felt the need to sneak a peak at him one last time and glancing past him I realised with horror just who he was with; Willow. I couldn't mistake that fiery red hair. This was getting even worse and just as I turned back around and Carol asked again if I thought he was hot. I was going to reply when she told me he was looking at us.  
  
  
  
"What?" I asked her, hoping she was completely mistaken.  
  
  
  
"He's looking at us, well at you." I sat very still and wished I was very far away, I needed a bit of Willow magic and maybe I'd appear in Australia or something. It didn't happen and was the most relieved in my life when she told me he'd stopped looking. Getting out of the café wasn't too hard as it appeared that Willow and Angel were so engrossed in their conversation that they thankfully didn't give the two women pushing strollers and the two boys a second glance as we left.  
  
  
  
Unfortunately, the day was officially ruined for me. I tried to forget seeing them and get on with shopping and I did try, Carol and I went to several more shops, buying mostly for the kids but a couple of things for us but I was too distracted. She pointed this out when she told me I'd picked up and starting fiddling with some men's underpants, which were quickly discarded but I couldn't stop obsessing about where they might be. They could be anywhere in this shop, though that was unlikely as we were now in another young children's clothes shop. But anything was possible and I realised with a horrible lurch in my stomach that I didn't know them. I knew what they'd done after college but no more. I'd had an Internet P.I check for me. I wanted to know they were okay. But I didn't know, they could have families. And now I couldn't even walk with Carol and the children through the mall without looking behind me every second step. "Oomph!" It was no wonder I'd practically run over some guy with Aya's stroller.  
  
  
  
"Oh, I'm so sorry, I wasn't looking." I giggled as I realised I'd nearly run him off his feet and he was recovering his balance. His head jerked up unnaturally fast when he heard me giggle. And it was only then that my breath caught in my chest and I was glad I had the stroller in front of me, in case I lost my balance. His face was a mirror of my shock and after a second he managed to say something.  
  
  
  
"Buffy." He breathed; in the way only he said my name. And I looked into his beautiful face, his angelic face.  
  
  
  
"Angel."  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Duh, duh duh! : )  
  
More Soon. In fact, if I get just one bit of feedback for this chapter I'll put the next chapter up as quick as I can. (I cannot be blamed if this takes longer than you might think, I might be asleep, I am several hours in front of most of you guys! But I'll try : ) 


	3. Still Running?

Thank you again to those who gave feedback. And Michelle, that was extremely quick feedback! Thank you to all. I've had quite a fix today, not that that means I don't want more feedback!  
  
  
  
  
  
3. Still Running?  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
"Angel." I said smiling. He looked a bit different, tired maybe but just as I remembered, just as I wanted. I'd got to stop doing this to myself, think of Richard, but I couldn't, not with him stood in front of me in all his gorgeous self. But then something different bubbled up in me, and it wasn't love wasn't desire; it was anger, a fierce rage which was directed at him. But just as I had gotten good at hiding my true self, I hid this anger under a cool mask, the smile disappearing. I had to be Beth, if for nothing else but Carol's benefit. My life was too good to mess with here and I knew Angel could mess with things just fine.  
  
  
  
"Buffy." He said again. And I became painfully aware of Carol looking confusedly back and forth between us. So I tried to make it as painless as possible. I had this horrible feeling this was where this life was going to get flushed down the toilet and I didn't want that to happen. This was the life I wanted, but was it really? I told myself to shut up.  
  
  
  
"Carol, this is Angel, he's a.old friend. Angel this is my friend Carol." They shook hands and things remained awkward. Obviously sensing this, Carol decided she'd better go.  
  
  
  
"Hey, maybe I should leave you two alone to talk or something." I smiled my pretend smile, silently begging her to stay so she and I could go home together and I could try to forget I ever saw Angel today. But she didn't, looking back she mouthed at me to tell her everything later and called, "Bye Beth." and then she was gone. It was just Angel and Ayanna and me.  
  
  
  
"So."  
  
  
  
"So." I echoed as his eyes looked over me and then his glance shifted to my now sleeping daughter. He smiled, at least it could have been a smile, it looked to be halfway between that and a look of pain.  
  
  
  
"Buffy, you have a beautiful daughter." He told me. I smiled graciously; glad to have something to talk about like normal old friends when they bumped into each other.  
  
  
  
"Thank you, her name is Ayanna."  
  
  
  
"That's a pretty name." For a second all I could think of was talking to Angel in a crypt when we'd only just met. "Buffy would you like to get a drink?" His voice sounded forced and I wasn't sure if he really wanted to.  
  
  
  
"Okay." I agreed reluctantly.  
  
  
  
When we were seated at a booth in a nearby coffee house and I'd made sure Ayanna was still asleep and okay I turned my attention back to my coffee and Angel's interested gaze. "You're a mother Buffy." He remarked and not sure how I was to reply to this obvious statement I replied,  
  
  
  
"Yes, I'm a Mom." And I smiled my first true smile in hours. What was I doing here? We couldn't do this, I couldn't. But I guess I can't get out of it now. "So, Angel what you been up to?" The fake smile was back and he knew it, knew I was struggling for things to say.  
  
  
  
"Buffy, shouldn't I be asking you that very question instead?" He asked, anger evident in his voice. It hit a nerve with me.  
  
  
  
"What? Why do you care? It's my life not yours."  
  
  
  
"I care Buffy, we all do and why? Buffy, you've been missing for four years. Four years Buffy. You have no idea how many times I've imaged meeting you in some inane place."  
  
  
  
"I wasn't missing to me." I muttered into my drink, his face clouded over.  
  
  
  
"Buffy, do you have any idea what you did to everyone when you left? Do you?" I looked up to see him looking a little less angry and suddenly I felt like I needed to tell him.  
  
  
  
"Yes, I realise and I'm sorry but you don't understand what it was like being me in that place. I just couldn't go on, I had to get out and I did try to explain." He smiled grimly.  
  
  
  
"You mean those letters. They didn't explain though did they? They might have been able to fool Anya and Tara and maybe even Xander to an extent but Buffy, do you really think that they fooled Giles or Willow or me? They didn't, we knew there was more to it and that what we guessed was actually the matter was just the tip of the iceberg but we could have helped you. I wanted to help you."  
  
  
  
"Yes but I didn't want help, all I wanted was to leave, to have a life, one that didn't include death and destruction and misery and pain. I just couldn't stay Angel, you should understand that, you were good at leaving weren't you?" I couldn't stop the words coming out, admitting that I was still hurt by his leaving. I'd meant to not say anything but Angel seemed to have this ability to make me spill all these angry feelings. I was cross with myself for telling him things I had wanted to keep to myself.  
  
  
  
"Buffy! That was completely different. I left because I thought it was best for you."  
  
  
  
"Oh yes, just like you think a load of things are good for me and I don't get a say in them. It's always Angel the decision maker. It's not just your life Angel." I glanced down to check on Ayanna who was still sleeping, thankfully. She didn't need to witness this.  
  
  
  
"What?" He spat out.  
  
  
  
"Oh, only the day that you took away from me, away from us. Or have you forgotten now, was it too horrible to remember being with me, because I don't think that's the way it went."  
  
  
  
"You remember." He stated in an almost unbelieving voice. "I haven't forgotten Buffy and I did it to save you. How did you remember, you weren't meant to."  
  
  
  
"Oh that's right I wasn't meant to remember one of the best days of my life, what a joke, it could only happen in my life." I breathed out slowly trying to compose myself. "I remembered the first year I left, in New York." I hadn't meant to tell him that, I'd let my guard down for a moment, let him talk to me and I was already telling him more things.  
  
  
  
"You were in New York? I looked for you there." What?  
  
  
  
"You looked for me?" I asked sipping my coffee; it made me feel a bit better.  
  
  
  
"Of course I did, you didn't think I didn't care did you?" I shrugged. He grabbed my arm, determined to get my attention. "Buffy?"  
  
  
  
"I don't know, you had your own life, I didn't and you weren't there." I pulled away and he let go of my arm and nodded, understanding.  
  
  
  
"It wasn't just Dawn was it? Why you left?" He asked. There was no easy or short answer to that question and frankly I'd rather tell him about what I'd been doing since I left than talk about that. It's too difficult for me. I opted for a change of subject, hoping it would distract him away from that question. I just wasn't ready to answer it.  
  
  
  
"So where's Willow?" I asked avoiding his eyes. He knew I was avoiding and thankfully he let it go this time, maybe I could get away before he asked me again.  
  
  
  
"You saw Willow? It was you at the café today." I nodded. "I knew it, it felt like you, I just didn't expect." He looked at Aya and I smiled.  
  
  
  
"Neither did I." I said smiling again. "So Willow?" I asked again.  
  
  
  
"She's on a business trip and she thought I should come with her, give me a break. She's at a meeting right now." I nodded.  
  
  
  
"IBM." I murmured.  
  
  
  
"Huh?"  
  
  
  
"IBM." I said louder this time. He looked confused.  
  
  
  
"You know about her job, how?" I smiled sheepishly.  
  
  
  
"I had an internet PI. I was just checking they were okay. It's been a year since I last did anything though. Been busy with work and Ayanna and everything."  
  
  
  
"A year?" He said strangely. "Then you don't know." I panicked was something wrong?  
  
  
  
"Why, what's wrong, is there something wrong? Tell me." I demanded, quickly becoming frantic.  
  
  
  
"Calm down Buffy, nothing is wrong, everyone is fine. Nice to know you still care."  
  
  
  
"Of course I care." I snapped at him, "Like anything could stop me." I stood up suddenly, trying to think up an excuse for going. "I have to go, get home." I said gathering my things. He stood up too, putting his hand on my arm; I felt a jolt of electricity but chose to ignore it.  
  
  
  
"Buffy, can I help you?" When he saw me shake my head he continued, "Can I see you again Buffy, I need to." I pulled away from him but he walked along side me as I headed towards the car park. "Worried I'm disrupting your perfect life Buffy? I just want to know you're okay." I turned to him.  
  
  
  
"I'm fine Angel, but I need to go."  
  
  
  
"Are you happy?"  
  
  
  
"Of course I'm happy, why wouldn't I be?" I asked angrily as we reached the car park. "I'm sorry, I just need to go."  
  
  
  
"Is that your solution to everything?" He asked, equally angry. I shot him a look and he seemed to drop it.  
  
  
  
"Bye Angel." I tried to smile but found my face muscles won't cooperate. He looked like the old broody Angel now. And I heard him whisper, "Bye Buffy." I walked to my car. I felt his eyes on us as I lifted Aya out and folded the stroller, putting it away in the trunk. When I turned to Aya to get her in the car I found she was looking curiously at Angel who wasn't far away.  
  
  
  
"Who's sat Mom?" She asked pointing at him. I sighed.  
  
  
  
"Just someone I used to know baby." She climbed in her seat and I buckled her in. I knew he was still there and he remained there until I pulled out onto the road outside.  
  
  
  
As much as I didn't want to face it and however annoying it was: I knew that Angel was right. In a way I was still running, psychologically if not physically and part of me didn't want to stop. I suppose I knew it would have to happen eventually. The scary thing was; I wasn't sure if four years was enough, and if it weren't, how long would I be like this? Even that thought was almost enough to make me face my demons. Whatever happened, I knew I needed help.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Questions, comments, suggestions? Do we have a verdict? 


	4. The lady doth protest too much?

Okay, I just want to say that when I wrote this Connor had only just appeared on Angel and I really didn't think about him so he isn't in this fic.  
  
  
  
  
  
4. The lady doth protest too much?  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
"Momma, you dropped." I saw the grocery bag on the pavement by the car and realised that that was the one with the eggs in it. "Shit!" I muttered to myself, hoping Aya didn't hear me. "You said shit Momma!" She told me in her sweet voice.  
  
"No I didn't, I said.sugar, that's what I said." She crossed her arms on her chest, something she had picked up from Andy and looked at me with an expression that was far beyond her years that told me I wasn't fooling her even a little bit. I abandoned the grocery bags by the car and picked her up, swinging her around the lawn that fronted our apartment building. After a few minutes we collapsed onto the grass, giggling. As I went to get up a voice that I knew better than my own interrupted my thoughts.  
  
"Can I help you up?" He offered his hand, which I took reluctantly, and he pulled me up.  
  
"Angel, what are you doing here?" I asked, aware that my daughter was very interested in what was going on. I'd only seen him yesterday and as much as I had tried I hadn't been able to stop thinking about him. He didn't say anything so I did. "How did you know I lived here?" This time his face betrayed his emotion, of guilt and I realised. "You followed me?"  
  
"Sorry, old habit. I had to see you again." And I suddenly saw that he was here, in daylight.  
  
"I thought that you destroyed the ring of Amara." He smiled though he looked a little uncomfortable.  
  
"I did." He said after a short pause. I stared at him. He couldn't be.there was no way, was there? Something made my hand move to rest on his chest. ~Thump Thump~ I almost jumped back in astonishment. He was human!  
  
"You're."  
  
"Human, Yes I am." He confirmed, he put his hand on top of mine, but I pulled mine back, cursing myself for being so stupid. He was human, so what? He was probably with Cordelia and they were probably very happy together.  
  
"How?"  
  
"It was my reward Buffy, I stopped the End of Days so." I nodded, still shocked but not enough to compel me to ask him anymore than that.  
  
"So why are you here?"  
  
"I told you I needed to see you. I couldn't just leave things the way they were. Buffy, I hadn't seen you in four years."  
  
"Why couldn't you leave it, I'm fine here." He looked at me.  
  
"Are you sure?"  
  
"Why wouldn't I be?" Aya started pulling at my skirt so I picked her up. She was looking at Angel. "Aya, this is my old friend Angel, Angel this is my daughter Aya." She held out her hand to shake his. It was so adorable, though my worry about Angel's presence meant that I was too distracted to really appreciate it.  
  
"Hi, I'm Ayanna Dawn Summers." Sometimes she likes to introduce herself to people like that, it's very sweet. I suspect it's a very early rebellion, something to do with how everyone calls her Aya for short. She doesn't mind it really but still. Angel smiled at her,  
  
"Hey Ayanna." He said, and she beamed at him. I went to retrieve the grocery shopping from the ground and the car.  
  
"Can I help you?" Why did he have to be a gentleman when I was trying so hard to find reasons to dislike him? At that moment, Richard came out of the building where I saw him wave at Aya and pick her up, walking over towards us. Strangely I felt Angel tense beside me. I didn't know why, he had no right to be jealous, besides he was with her.  
  
"Hey Beth." He greeted me, "Hello." He directed at Angel who grudgingly shook his hand.  
  
"Hey Richard, this is Angel. Angel this is Richard." Richard sensed the tension and said he'd take some bags inside for me. Aya went with him. It didn't do much for the atmosphere though.  
  
"Is he.your husband?" Angel asked, his voice sounded weird, strained. And I turned to look at him. Why was he being so odd?  
  
"No, Angel, he isn't my husband, just a good neighbour and friend." I shut the trunk and locked the car. I must be hearing things because I could have sworn that he sighed, relieved.  
  
"So, you aren't.married?" What business was it of his? If he still love.no he didn't so it wasn't worth even wondering.  
  
"No, I'm not married Angel, but while we're on the subject of marriage, what about you? How's Cordy?" I said trying to disguise the bitterness in my voice.  
  
"Cordy? What?" He tried to look confused.  
  
"I know about you two, so don't try to deny it." He seemed to get what I meant this time.  
  
"You knew about us, that we were together?"  
  
"Yes? What do you mean were?" This time I failed to keep the interest out of my voice.  
  
"We were only together for a short time. We ended it when it was clear I couldn't get past.you."  
  
"Oh." I said, to no one in particular. He stood right in front of me, blocking my way to the building.  
  
"I'm not married Buffy, You were the only one I ever wanted...please talk to me, this isn't you."  
  
"How would you know?"  
  
"Okay, Beth, is this really you?"  
  
"Beth is more normal than Buffy, I left her behind."  
  
"No, I don't think you did Buffy, I knew you, I still know you and this isn't you, not really, this charade is not you. You need to talk to me, please." I looked into his pleading brown eyes and felt myself beginning to melt under his gaze before I pulled myself back. I nearly gave in, but I couldn't do what he was asking.  
  
"I can't talk about it Angel, I'm not ready. Please leave me alone."  
  
"Buffy, you can't hide who you are, I know you."  
  
"Angel, I'm not ready to talk and I'm not ready to go back, I may never be. I'm sorry." I pushed past him and headed up the path.  
  
"What about Willow, what do I tell her?" I turned slightly,  
  
"You told her?"  
  
"I told her I thought it was you."  
  
"Tell her what I told you. I'm happy here, I can't go back and that I love her."  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Feedback? Please? 


	5. Decision Time

In celebration of finishing my thank-you letters I'm posting the next part!  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
5.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
I haven't heard from him since that day on the front lawn. It's been nearly three weeks and though there's been no sign of him, I can't help but think he's still around. I can still feel him, but maybe it's just me. I tried to stop thinking about him but found I couldn't. Thinking about human Angel.  
  
Richard wasn't completely ignorant of my feelings towards the mysterious guy he'd met on the front lawn so he stopped anything between us before it started. And I refused to talk about with either him or Carol though she remained suspicious. She thinks he's Aya's dad, in a way I wish he were but he isn't. I'm just being stupid and letting him affect me. I promised myself I wouldn't let him disrupt my life but I haven't seen him more than twice and look what's he's left me like.  
  
"Beth, could I ask you a favour?" Mr Head asked, as he poked his head round the door of my office, giving me a welcome distraction from my thoughts.  
  
"Yes, of course." He'd just recently been appointed Manager and knew next to nothing about sport or fitness and this appointment and everything else went to his head. It was an appropriate name; he did have an enormous head, he was enormous full stop, stupid man. I pasted my faux smile on as he told me about how he wanted me to talk to a guest lecturer and instructor.  
  
"Are you sure you need me to do it? I hardly ever consult with the guest instructors and it's Max's job to liase with them and run the visit smoothly, where's he?" I tried very hard to not sound annoyed.  
  
"Max is sick and I wouldn't normally ask but he hasn't been here before. There was no one else available. It would be great, thanks Beth." He said as he took off through the door, no doubt on his way back to his office to a coffee and a snooze. I didn't need this.  
  
  
  
When I went down to the sports levels and came face to face with Angel, again, I knew even more that I didn't need this.  
  
"You're the instructor?" I asked, the disbelief in my voice masking a huge annoyance.  
  
"You work here?" He asked pointlessly as he took in my small black trouser suit and sleek hair pulled back tightly in an almost painful tie. I only dress like this when I have no classes. I couldn't help noticing his lightly tanned skin covering his flexed muscles and his top open shirt. He looked good. I couldn't do this, could I?  
  
"So, you haven't been here before?" I asked him, trying to get back to my work self.  
  
"I think I'd remember, wouldn't you? I'm all right. You okay? You look pale."  
  
"I'm fine Angel."  
  
"I can see through this you know. This façade you've put on."  
  
"Why don't we get on with it?" I told him; angry again, though it faded quickly, because he was right, it was a façade.  
  
  
  
"Buffy, can I take you home?" Angel asked later, following me down the corridor to my office.  
  
"I've got my car." I told him as I gathered my coat and bag and locked my office behind me.  
  
"Can I still take you home?"  
  
"You aren't going to give in are you?" He gave me a classic Angel look, telling me I was right.  
  
"Fine." I replied.  
  
The journey was silent, and not exactly comfortable. We'd always used to have so much to say to one another. Maybe we still did, but where do we start?  
  
"Do you want to come in for a drink?" I asked hesitantly as we sat in front of my building.  
  
"Yes, I'd like that." He said smiling.  
  
  
  
What the heck made me ask that?  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
More in a bit. 


	6. Awake and Alive

Thanks for all the feedback, very encouraging since this was the first fic I wrote. Thanks you guys! Here's the last part. Enjoy!  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
6.Awake and Alive  
  
  
  
  
  
"Do you want to come in for a drink?" I asked hesitantly as we sat in front of my building.  
  
"Yes, I'd like that." He said smiling.  
  
What the hell made me ask that?  
  
  
  
  
  
I picked up Aya from Carols'. She gave Angel and me this look, but all I could think about was Angel. Aya seemed happy enough to play with some toys in front of the T.V. I handed Angel his coffee.  
  
"Thanks."  
  
"You're welcome." He looked up.  
  
"Am I?"  
  
"You were always welcome Angel. I just have trouble accepting my past. It's still hard, you know? It's mostly why I try to forget." He nodded. "Do you want to know?" I asked him, hoping he remembered his question about what I'd been doing. That at least was a little easier than why I left. He nodded again and smiled slightly in encouragement. And though I hadn't meant to I found myself telling him why I did leave.  
  
"It wasn't just Dawn Angel, it was everything. First there was Mom and then Dawn and suddenly I had no family left. And I didn't even have the slaying anymore either. With the hellmouth sealed I didn't have much to do and I didn't know who I was if I couldn't be the slayer. Everyone else had jobs and college and a future, what did I have? Nothing helped and I stopped feeling anything. Spike was a mistake; I'd been looking for things in the wrong place. All I wanted was to get out and to never look back, I felt like I was dying there Angel, I had to find a better life so I left to look for it, I knew I wouldn't find it in Sunnydale. I was sorry about leaving everyone, but I couldn't stay." I pause for breath and to judge the look on Angel's face but I couldn't really tell; it was either neutral or understanding.  
  
"New York?" He asked quietly.  
  
"New York, yeah, I went there first, figured I could get lost in a place like that, unfortunately I was too right. I lost myself. I was stupid, mindless and I had no direction. I was doing everything I knew I shouldn't but I couldn't seem to care. I shook myself out of it after about 10 months." I glanced at Aya fondly and continued, "I left New York three months pregnant with her, my fault but also, my hope. I've been better since I left there."  
  
"What about her father?" He asked, his voice sounding slightly strained.  
  
"He didn't want to know, not surprising really. Anyway, I came here on a whim and moved in here. Carol and Bill next door were so great and Carol and me were friends from the beginning so I didn't feel as alone. Somehow I managed to get through my interview at work, despite being pregnant they gave me a job instructing on self-defence and the arts and now I'm assistant manager as well. It's okay work, I do it for her anyway." I said nodding in Aya's direction where she was engrossed in a cartoon. "She's been my light you know."  
  
"You're a great Mom, Buffy, I always knew you would be."  
  
"Thanks." It was quiet for a few minutes as we both pretended to watch the T.V. "So, what about everyone? What are they doing now? I know I probably know but I don't know much about personal stuff, especially in the last year." He smiled.  
  
"Xander and Anya are still engaged, I think they decided to take their time. Xander has his own business, still building stuff and everything." I smiled amused. "I don't know the exact details obviously, I was never obsessed with Xander. Anya's still running the Magic Box and still loves money. Willow and Tara are planning to get married sometime this year. I know they wanted you to be there. Willow was still hoping."  
  
"What did you say to her?"  
  
"I told her what you said and that I was trying to talk you round. It took a while to persuade her you needed time before you saw anyone else. Willow as you know is a top exec and programmer in IBM, she works form Sunnydale though. Occasionally going on business trips and things. Tara is teaching young children. They both love their jobs."  
  
"I'm glad they're happy."  
  
"They'd be happier if you were with them." I didn't say anything to that.  
  
"Giles?" I asked.  
  
"As far as I can tell he's happy, he married Olivia I think her name was." I nodded, and tried to blink back the tears, I'd missed so much.  
  
"What about Cordy and everyone?" I asked.  
  
"Since I got my reward, being human. We slowed the business down. I still have my strength but I don't have to go out and kill every evil, I just do it sometimes. Cordy's been doing a lot of stage plays and loves her work, I wouldn't be surprised if she appeared on the television soon enough. She and Wesley got married two years ago. They're very happy. I don't know if you met Gunn or Fred, short for Winifred? They got married as well. We moved the agency back to Sunnydale. I couldn't stay in LA, too many enemies. Sunnydale made me feel close to you in a way, stupid I know. I did look for you but I started the teaching, like you and that took off. It always calmed me."  
  
"I'm glad for you Angel. I'm glad they'll all happy." He started to say something but stopped himself.  
  
"How do you feel?" He asked.  
  
"I'm glad I told you Angel, but at the same time I wish I hadn't, in a way, anyway. It would have been easier not too, but I'm glad I did."  
  
"I'm glad you did too." He took my hand and squeezed it gently but I quickly withdrew it.  
  
"What's the matter Buffy?"  
  
"We can't just pretend nothing's happened you know." I told him, angry that he didn't seem to see this.  
  
"Buffy, I still love you, I always have, I wanted to see if we could."  
  
"Could what exactly? Live happily ever after? I don't think so, things like that don't happen and I can't do it again." I'd moved away from him where we were sitting, thinking that maybe a bit of distance would help.  
  
"Buffy, I don't want to push you, what can't you do again?"  
  
"I can't let myself love you and then get my heart ripped out again. I have no trust left you know, not just for you, I don't trust men period."  
  
"I want you to be happy Buffy, I will leave it if you can tell me you are the happiest you ever could be here, alone with Ayanna." I looked down, how could I answer that?  
  
After a minute Angel put his hand under my chin and lifted my face so that our gazes locked. I knew suddenly that I couldn't keep it up, keep pretending and my chin quivered as I tried not to cry. When he pulled me into his embrace though, I stopped pretending.  
  
"It's not that I'm not happy Angel," I tried to tell him between sobs, "It's just I'm only happy because of her. She's the only one that makes it real, I do everything for her." He continued holding me until my sobs subsided and I felt so much better. He cradled my face and looked into my eyes,  
  
"Do you love me Buffy?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Will you give us a chance? Will you come home?" He asked earnestly, almost pleading.  
  
"I want to but."  
  
"Buffy I'm not going anywhere, I promise. I love you and nothing can ever change that. You can trust me." I smiled through fresh tears in my eyes.  
  
"What about?" I gestured toward Aya. And he smiled.  
  
"Buffy, she's yours and I love you, I love her already just because of that, she's already my daughter.that is if you want me to be her father?" I nodded, smiling; I hadn't smiled so much since Aya was born. He leaned forward hesitantly, our faces moved slowly. He tentatively kissed me, trying to recapture what we had lost only to find something better. When we finally broke apart, my first reaction was,  
  
"Wow," he said before I could, "The real thing far surpasses my dreams."  
  
"Mine too." I told him as he pulled me into his arms and I leant into him.  
  
  
  
Later when I woke up I found that Aya had crawled into my lap and was sleeping blissfully aware of the love that surrounded her. Angel was holding both of us and when I turned my head slightly, to look at him I found he was smiling in his sleep.  
  
"Buffy?"  
  
"I'm awake."  
  
Those words have more meaning than any others right now. I am awake for the first time in years, wakened with Angel beside me. With our love that never died, but was maybe just misplaced. I know he loves me and Aya and I love him. I always have, it just seemed easier to imagine that I didn't because I didn't think I could ever have him. I was wrong though, I have him now and he knows me like no one else does. Angel always did understand me. I let him in to my heart again and now that I have, I know I can finally stop this masquerade.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The End. 


End file.
